Tag: conflict

5 Things Happy Couples Never Do When Facing Conflict

This morning at Restoration Church the message focused on conflict in marriage. If you have been married for more than five minutes you are going to face conflict. It is a fact of life. While every couple has to find their own way in this area and overcome the natural tendency to fight it out, ignore it, or run from it, there are some commond denominators happy couples seek to never resort to when facing conflict. I share these bullet points with you along with some of my own thoughts.

1. Never call names – this should be self explanatory, but when disagreements come, it is easy to shift into name calling. This does nothing to help the situation and only escalates and divides us into separate teams.

2. Never raise your voice – unless your spouse has an actual hearing problem, somehow it becomes easy to think if we get louder he or she will see things our way. In fact the opposite is most likely the case. Raising our voice while having a marital “discussion” only escalates the conflict and pushes our spouse further away. I’ll be honest, of the five “nevers,” this is the one I struggle with the most.

3. Never get historical – Happy couples know don’t keep score and keep the past in the past. If there is an issue from the past that has been discussed and dealt with then it is time to move on and not bring it up.

4. Never say “Never” or “Always” – now this was beaten into my head during my brief academic career, but unless you have complete 100% omniscience that your spouse categorically “never” or “always” does/says/thinks something it’s smart to stay away from generalizations. Since I’m pretty sure no one on earth currently possesses that superpower it’s better to steer clear from “always” or “never.”

5. Never Threaten Divorce – this is a big one. For happy couples divorce is never an option. Even by saying divorce is an option you are making the breaking of a covenant before God something that you would even consider. This breaks down the bonds of trust and sows an insecurity that can become self-fulfilling. Instead of even mentioning divorce, happy couples instead focus on reminding each other they are on the same team.

Which “nevers” have you been guilty of? Which of these do you want to banish from your conflict toolkit?

The Cure For Conflict Part 3: Turn It Over

“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Matthew 18:17 (ESV)

So when you have tried one on one to no avail. When you have taken two or three with you to verify and tried again to come together and the conflict remains. Jesus then says to a) tell it to the church and b) treat the offender as a lost person in need of salvation. 

He says to “tell it to the church” and by church he means the ecclesia – the “called out” ones, the local group of Jesus followers. Now, I admit, I wish a couple of things here. I wish Jesus told us in a little more detail exactly how this is supposed to work. I mean do you get the town crier out to say “Hear ye, Hear ye?” I’m not so sure, but I do think he gives each local ecclesia, or church, the freedom to handle this step as they see fit. 

The main idea, however, is not to just make this situation public. If the situation was severe enough that it was not resolved by steps one or two, in all likelihood the situation was already public. The idea is to turn the situation over. To give the conflict, the situation, the person over to God and pray for their salvation-but don’t live in fear or slavery to resolving a conflict with someone that doesn’t want to resolve it!

Jesus commands his followers to treat the unrepentant person like a tax collector or Gentile. While this means a necessary separation from full participation in community life, it does not necessarily mean shunning. Jesus didn’t shun tax collectors and Gentiles, he came to seek and save them/us. It means that even after repeated attempts at reconciliation that have been rebuffed, we should always leave the door open for restoration. We are to treat the offending party just as Christ has treated us, as a sinner in need of a Savior. 

Questions To Ponder:

Is there any bitterness toward someone that I’m harboring in my heart and life right now that I need to ask forgiveness, even if I might have justification for my feelings?

What unresolved conflict do I need to surrender to God and let Him handle?

The Cure For Conflict Part 2: Trust But Verify

“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” Matthew 18:16 (ESV)

Jesus begins his instruction on how to resolve conflict by keeping the circle as tight as possible. He understands, however, that someones when one cannot resolve conflict one-on-one, its time to seek outside help or counsel. He gives a second step to take along one or two with you. This principle was established in Deuteronomy 19:15 as a bedrock for establishing official legal testimony in the nation of Israel. Sometimes our own emotions, pride, or insecurities can feed into the conflict and make it harder to resolve. Sometimes we might have misinterpreted the situation and we need someone or some others outside of the situation who can freely speak into the situation and help a healthy resolution take place. I’ve called this step “Trust but Verify. ” This Russian proverb was made famous by President Ronald Reagan who used it in the context of his negotiations with the Soviet Union over nuclear disarmament during the 1980’s. For our purposes in seeking to resolve conflict with this step by taking along two or three others we can verify the source and on-going nature of the conflict and identify steps on how it might be resolved.

In a marriage relationship with a lot of conflict this may involve inviting a trusted Godly couple alongside, pastoral counsel, or an experienced marriage and family counselor. At work this may mean bringing in your supervisor, team leader, or hr facilitator to bring resolution to the conflict. Again, the purpose isn’t to create further division, but to bring reconciliation and restoration.

Questions to Ponder:

Is there a situation that I have already tried resolving one-on-one that I should consider seeking help to come alongside?

How can I work to resolve conflict in my own family, workplace, or community?

The Cure For Conflict Part 1: One on One

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Matthew 18:15 (ESV)

In speaking to his followers, Jesus tells them, when faced with a situation where they have a conflict with another person to go to the person individually. I believe that 95% of all conflicts could be stopped in their tracks at just this simple point. How many conflicts begin with something that could be a matter of miscommunication or something completely unintentional?

A major problem in our culture right now is that when we have a problem with something or someone, we go straight to facebook, twitter, social media broadcasting to the world. We have a tendency to ramp up our emotions straight to outrage instead of giving each other the benefit of the doubt. What does that tell us that as a general rule when we go all public warfare when most of the time it could be resolved with a simple phone call or over a cup of coffee?

The goal of this one-on-one is not to win the arm wrestling match of conflict or to destroy your brother, but ultimately its about reconciliation and restoration – “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Most conflicts end up with lose-lose situations, with carnage in its wake. How different would it look when you find reconciliation and gain the relationship, the hope, the life, and the future?

Questions to Ponder:

Who do I need to make an appointment with right now and seek reconciliation for wrongs I’ve committed? To lovingly confront someone over a wrong committed?

Why Do We Have Conflict?

Why Do We Have Conflict?

This week I’ve been studying the teaching of Jesus and one message in particular where he deals with conflict. Particularly conflict within the community of His followers. This message is found in Matthew 18:15-17. To set the stage for this topic I asked myself the question, why do we face conflict in this life?

  1. We live in an imperfect world.

In the perfect world milkshakes would have little or no calories. In the perfect world my car would never break down on the interstate. In the perfect world Disney would not need a “FastPass” system. Even in the most optimistic person would have to agree that this world is not the way it should or ought to be. On a more serious note, violence, injustice, and suffering all point out that the world we live in is not perfect. Try as we might to insulate ourselves from all forms of suffering or harm by very nature of the world we are not able to live 100% free from conflict.

2. We are imperfect people

Unlike the life that many like to portray on social media, just like the filters that smooth out wrinkles and the effects of age, we are an imperfect people. In fact, wherever you find people you will find problems. Anyone who tells you they are perfect is lying and has just proven the point!

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8 (ESV)

3. We have sinister adversary

Jesus also mentioned that “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10 ESV). Sometimes we vilify other people who may bring conflict into our lives. The truth is, “people” are not our problem. There is a spiritual enemy working behind the scenes who would seek to bring conflict, disillusionment, discord, and strife to our homes, lives, and communities.

Just a few questions for thought:

Am I bringing and fostering peace in my home, work, or community, or am I a source of conflict?

How can I work against the attitudes and actions that cause conflict in my sphere(s) of influence?

Conference Notes: Marriage Conflict Mistakes To Avoid

This past weekend Amy and I participated in a marriage conference with Restoration Church. The morning session was led by Dr. Allen and Tina Holmes from Daystar Church in Greensboro, NC. In that session Dr. Holmes shared ten marriage conflict mistakes to avoid:

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether – Ken Sande would call this “peace-faking.” This doesn’t resolve the underlying reason for the conflict, it merely postpones it.

2. Being Defensive – Defensiveness is a sign there is not enough grace. Personally, I want to try to grow more in this area. I find myself tending to quickly run to a defensive posture even when it is not warranted.

3. Overgeneralizing – using phrases like “you always” and “you never.” I have to give credit to all many of my professors over the years who drilled all most of this language out of my vocabulary!

4. Always Being Right – this is a tough one when you are always right, right?

5. Poor Listening (usually caused by in formulating the rebuttal)

6. Mind Reading – I may think I know what my spouse is thinking but what she is thinking may not be what I think she is thinking. I can then get into conflict with something that is completely imaginary and all in my mind.

7. Playing the Blame Game – “But God, the woman you gave me gave me this fruit-its her fault and really your fault”

8. Trying to Win the Argument

9. Character Attacks – This is like throwing an emotional grenade into the conflict. All it does it cause damage and does nothing toward resolving the conflict or working toward a resolution.

10. Stonewalling – using silence as a passive aggressive way of attacking the issue. This is a trap I fall into-often I will just shut down.

Question for discussion: Which conflict mistakes do you tend to make? What are you going to do to correct those mistakes?

This is part three. You can read part one here and part two here.