Tag: marriage

5 Things Happy Couples Never Do When Facing Conflict

This morning at Restoration Church the message focused on conflict in marriage. If you have been married for more than five minutes you are going to face conflict. It is a fact of life. While every couple has to find their own way in this area and overcome the natural tendency to fight it out, ignore it, or run from it, there are some commond denominators happy couples seek to never resort to when facing conflict. I share these bullet points with you along with some of my own thoughts.

1. Never call names – this should be self explanatory, but when disagreements come, it is easy to shift into name calling. This does nothing to help the situation and only escalates and divides us into separate teams.

2. Never raise your voice – unless your spouse has an actual hearing problem, somehow it becomes easy to think if we get louder he or she will see things our way. In fact the opposite is most likely the case. Raising our voice while having a marital “discussion” only escalates the conflict and pushes our spouse further away. I’ll be honest, of the five “nevers,” this is the one I struggle with the most.

3. Never get historical – Happy couples know don’t keep score and keep the past in the past. If there is an issue from the past that has been discussed and dealt with then it is time to move on and not bring it up.

4. Never say “Never” or “Always” – now this was beaten into my head during my brief academic career, but unless you have complete 100% omniscience that your spouse categorically “never” or “always” does/says/thinks something it’s smart to stay away from generalizations. Since I’m pretty sure no one on earth currently possesses that superpower it’s better to steer clear from “always” or “never.”

5. Never Threaten Divorce – this is a big one. For happy couples divorce is never an option. Even by saying divorce is an option you are making the breaking of a covenant before God something that you would even consider. This breaks down the bonds of trust and sows an insecurity that can become self-fulfilling. Instead of even mentioning divorce, happy couples instead focus on reminding each other they are on the same team.

Which “nevers” have you been guilty of? Which of these do you want to banish from your conflict toolkit?

What Happy Couples Know – Part 1

This week at Restoration Church we are starting a four-week message series on marriage called “What Happy Couples Know.”

Our view of marriage is formed by many factors: our culture, our own family background, our upbringing, and our faith. For better or for worse every married couple has certain hopes and dreams for their life together. I have been blessed with an amazing life partner in Amy who shows me grace daily while I lead and at the same time keeps our family well organized and headed in the right direction. Did I mentioned she keeps us alive? Yes, she keeps us clothed, fed, and as germ free as possible!

One passage of Scripture we looked at this week was Ephesians 5:1-2. In this passage we are called to be imitators of God. Now while we can’t be imitators of God when it comes to His unlimited power over the universe or his limitless knowledge over all things, we can pattern our way of life after Him. If you had to sum up God in one word it would be the word “love.” The prophet Jeremiah wrote and proclaimed that “the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end” (Lamentations 3:22, ESV). God’s love is steadfast, it is sure, it never gives up, and it never gives out. This is the type of love we should exhibit towards our spouse. In this passage from Ephesians it also tells us to “walk” in love – meaning our very own way of life begins and ends with love.

If you are married, how might your relationship be different if you started each day with the thought, how can I better love and serve my spouse today?

Conference Notes: Four Keys To Effectively Listen

At Restoration Church’s marriage conference this past weekend we were led through a session on effective listening. While these are great application points for a healthy marriage, the principles work for any relationship.

1.Remember You Are On The Same Team – this was shared as not just an internal reminder but something that was expressed to be verbalized. Especially when faced with a situation where you are communicating in conflict try looking at your spouse and say, “We are on the same team!” There are so many forces at work that want to divide and conquer the marriage relationship, we must remind ourselves and our spouses that we are on the same team, no matter what. Within an hour after leaving the conference, Amy and I found ourselves in conflict and tested on this principle. One of the ways we worked through the conflict was taking a step back and saying “We are on the same team!”

2.Seek First to Understand and Then Be Understood – oftentimes we are so busy formulating our response, we fail to adequately understand what our spouse is trying to communicate. When we don’t give time and space to understand each other we can often jump to conclusions that aren’t based in reality. I know I can come up with all kinds of solutions to Amy’s problems when I think I know what they are-except many times I try to fix things that aren’t broken, or miss what the problem really is about.

3.Ask Clarifying Questions – asking good questions helps slow things down and also helps us to really understand the need. On getting through this point I need to admit a personal growth area. I can sometimes (ok, so a lot of the time!) get defensive when Amy asks clarifying questions. For whatever reason inside of me, I see the questions as not just a quest for understanding, but as a kind of attack. As a growth point for me, I have to be reminded of #1 (we are on the same team!), and use clarifying questions to bring us together.

4.Come up with a win-win – If you are truly a team there is a way you can work together to find a best path forward together. We live in a fallen world, so sometimes it may not be that at the end of a “discussion” everyone is shooting off confetti cannons in celebration. We should be able to follow Scriptures teaching, not letting the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26) and getting to an acceptable resolution.

Again, I felt this session was immensely helpful. Amy and I literally put this into practice upon getting home, and guess what-it worked!

Questions for Discussion:

How can you put these listening skills to good use in your relationship?

How might these skills help you in other situations at work, school, etc.?

Conference Notes: Marriage Conflict Mistakes To Avoid

This past weekend Amy and I participated in a marriage conference with Restoration Church. The morning session was led by Dr. Allen and Tina Holmes from Daystar Church in Greensboro, NC. In that session Dr. Holmes shared ten marriage conflict mistakes to avoid:

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether – Ken Sande would call this “peace-faking.” This doesn’t resolve the underlying reason for the conflict, it merely postpones it.

2. Being Defensive – Defensiveness is a sign there is not enough grace. Personally, I want to try to grow more in this area. I find myself tending to quickly run to a defensive posture even when it is not warranted.

3. Overgeneralizing – using phrases like “you always” and “you never.” I have to give credit to all many of my professors over the years who drilled all most of this language out of my vocabulary!

4. Always Being Right – this is a tough one when you are always right, right?

5. Poor Listening (usually caused by in formulating the rebuttal)

6. Mind Reading – I may think I know what my spouse is thinking but what she is thinking may not be what I think she is thinking. I can then get into conflict with something that is completely imaginary and all in my mind.

7. Playing the Blame Game – “But God, the woman you gave me gave me this fruit-its her fault and really your fault”

8. Trying to Win the Argument

9. Character Attacks – This is like throwing an emotional grenade into the conflict. All it does it cause damage and does nothing toward resolving the conflict or working toward a resolution.

10. Stonewalling – using silence as a passive aggressive way of attacking the issue. This is a trap I fall into-often I will just shut down.

Question for discussion: Which conflict mistakes do you tend to make? What are you going to do to correct those mistakes?

This is part three. You can read part one here and part two here.

Conference Notes: Two Approaches To Marriage

At 25 I thought I was ready for marriage. I was raised in a Christian home, graduated from a Christian school, received a bachelor’s degree from a Christian university, and a Master’s of Divinity from seminary where we were required to take an entire course on marriage. I could give you the biblical basis for marriage, the purpose of marriage, and recount any other historical and theological truths about marriage. The truth is I really didn’t have a clue what I was getting into, and praise God he placed Amy in my life where she has shown me grace upon grace for these past 15 years (in which I’m still learning).

At one of the sessions of a recent marriage conference led by Dr. Allen Holmes, he compared and contrasted the world’s approach to marriage with the biblical approach to marriage. As someone who has feebly counseled those with marriage troubles, I agree with his assessment and want to offer it here:

The Worlds Approach To Marriage

Step 1 – Find the Right Person

Step 2 – Fall in Love

Step 3 – Fix Your Hopes and Dreams On This Person

When This Fails Repeat Steps 1-3

I have witnessed and seen this approach attempted and tried over and over. I have seen it communicated through the arts and media as if it is an accepted truth and mantra. Dr. Holmes rightly points out that step three is utter idolatry and is bound to set us up for failure. While this approach is the accepted approach of our culture, it is not the only way.

God’s Approach to Marriage

Step 1 – Become the Right Person

Step 2 – Walk In Love

Step 3 – Fix My Hopes and Dreams in God

*If That Fails Repeat Steps 1-3

The Biblical approach focuses inwardly first-before I can even entertain marriage (and even after becoming married) my approach should be in developing my own character. How can I become more like Jesus and developers the fruit of the spirit in my life? The second step turns outward–out of an overflow of a life-receiving relationship with the Lord, I can then show love and grace towards others. Instead of “fixing” my spouse, I need to allow Christ to fix me, and I should show the love of Christ to my spouse. Finally, instead of fixing my hopes and dreams on the perfect marriage or the perfect spouse-my hopes and dreams should be focused on God-his rightful place as first in my heart, in my marriage, and in my family. If all this fails-even in a fallen world-we are to repeat steps 1-3.

Question For Discussion: If you are married or considering marriage can you commit to each other to take the biblical approach to marriage

(This is part two, to read part one click here.)

Conference Notes: Three Marriage Myths

This past weekend Amy and I participated in a marriage conference with Restoration Church. The morning session was led by Dr. Allen and Tina Holmes from Daystar Church in Greensboro, NC. In that session Dr. Holmes shared three marriage myths:

Marriage Myth #1 – Marriage Should Be Easy

Marriage Truth – Relationships Bloom Over Time

Marriage Myth #2 – The Secret to a Perfect Marriage Is Picking The Perfect Spouse

Marriage Truth – You are Imperfect and Your Spouse Is Imperfect

Marriage Myth #3 – My Marriage Has Problems

Marriage Truth – Your Marriage Isn’t the Problem You Are

The answer isn’t to fix my spouse – it’s to fix me // All marriages have problems

We must combat myths with the truth. Sometimes it is helpful to just speak truth over a situation and over ourselves.

A few discussion questions for thought:

1. Has Marriage Been Easier or More Difficult Than You Expected?

2. Have You Ever Been Tempted to Believe You Had a Bad Marriage?